I Yam What I Yam

For years now, I have defined myself by my roles in life. My main roles in life are Navy wife and Mom. While those are great and I love being a wife and a mom, I am more than that. Sometimes, I find myself so wrapped up in those jobs that I feel like I forgotten who I am and what I love.

I am a Navy Wife and have been for most of the last decade. Navy life changes everything. It changes the way you look at life and the lifestyle you live.

I am Mama Bear. Little Bear is wonderful. He brings me great joy. I love taking care of him and hanging out with him. Little Bear keeps me on my toes all the time.

Those are the biggest roles I play in life and honestly, they are sometimes the hardest shoes to fill. I am also a daughter, a sister, a daughter-in-law. There are days where I have it all together and there are days where I look like I am doing great at all my jobs. Then, there are days where I feel like (and look like) a complete and total mess.

These days where I feel like a mess are some of the days that bring me to the realization that I need to make time for me. I need to do what I love sometimes. The last deployment set things into motion for me to find who I am and who I want to be.

Here is some of what I found...

I am a Christian. I love God. I am a believer that Jesus, the son of God, came and died for my sins. He rose on the third day. Without Him, I would be nothing. He is my Savior and my strength.

I am a Navy Wife. I have gotten to the point in life where I can embrace this role. For years, I tried to shun this role, to pretend that being a Navy wife was no different than being a wife, but it is. My husband is amazing, but he is also gone, a lot. I love him and I support him in his work, even when it makes life hard. Our relationship brings me joy and peace, but Navy life is not for everyone. We do our best to jump through the hurdles of change and stress and deployments together. We work to communicate together to the best of our abilities and as much as time and internet usage allows.

I am Mama Bear. Little Bear is a source of constant upheaval, but he is also one of my greatest sources of encouragement. I have taught him many things. I have cared for him when he is sick. I have hugged him when he is sad. He has taught me that I need to be more joyful, even when life is hard.

I am a survivor. I survived hyperemesis gravidarum when I was pregnant with Little Bear. I survive gastroparesis on a daily basis. I will not give up. Life may throw health issues no one has heard of at me, but I will keep living life to the best of my ability until God calls me home.

I am a writer, maybe not the greatest writer, but writing has helped me find my voice. It has helped me to be encouraging. It has given me ways to express myself, my passions, my discouragements, my shortcomings. Writing brought Papa Bear and me closer together during deployment. It has given me a better relationship with family far away. Writing lets me share who I am.

I am a huge fan of steam trains. I will happily ride them all, but the Cumbres & Toltec Scenic Railroad is my favorite and always will be. I dreamed of being a fireman on the train as a kid/teenager. As an adult, I realize how much work that really is. Now I just dream of extended vacations so I could put my Friends of the Cumbres & Toltec membership to good use during work weeks.

I am more than all these things, but these are the core of who I am. I have learned that the roles I have taken on are part of who I am. They are part of what makes me, me. They are more than jobs. They are things to be embraced and cherished. The role of wife and mom have helped me to find myself, to find my strengths and weaknesses and build on them and grow. Finding me again is work, but it is worth it to remember who I am.  

I am not perfect, nor am I always stable. My life is a hectic mess. I am disorganized and always have a lot on my plate. I am sarcastic, bluntly honest, and very impatient. I do not like change. I am kind and I am caring. I love my friends and family and would help them in any way possible. You can love me or hate me, but as my husband and Popeye would say "I yam what I yam."