Looking good or being sick? Can it be both?

Cleaned up and going to church

You look great! That’s something every woman wants to hear, right? Of course, it is. We all want to look our best. We all want people to see us as beautiful. I love to dress up. I love to look nice. With chronic illness looking great is a double edged sword.  

When I leave the house, I want people to see the good, but I also feel like getting dressed and looking nice is like putting on a mask. Few people know how bad I really feel on a day to day basis. When people see me out and about, they think I must be feeling better and maybe I am even well.

What they don’t see is that I barely dragged myself out of bed that morning or the more likely story, that my husband and son woke me up every 10 or 15 minutes reminding me it is Sunday and they are waiting for me so we can leave for church. I throw on a dress because most of the time a dress does not put pressure on my nauseated and bloated abdomen. (Thanks, gastroparesis.) Then, I put on just enough makeup to cover the bags under my eyes (thanks to chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia) and a touch of blush to cover the ghastly pale hue of my skin. Run the brush through my hair a couple of times and voila, I am walking out the door and usually running only a few minutes late.

On a bad day

On the 15 minute ride, I usually close my eyes and try to get a few more minutes of rest. Then, we get to church and I smile and talk to people and rarely does anyone know I am sick except for the few people who know me well and even those selective few rarely know the extent of how I feel on a daily basis. Then, when I get home from such a simple and relaxing outing as going to church, I lay down and rest for the entire afternoon and evening.

Just a normal day

That double edged sword of looking great and not looking sick can be nice for a couple of reasons. I don’t have to explain how I feel to everyone. I also get compliments that I look good, healthy, etc. Looking presentable also makes me feel a little bit down because few people know how I really feel. What makes it even sadder is that likely I have encountered plenty of people like me out there that I am neglecting because I have no idea they are sick either.